Today I was able to sit by my dad's bed and keep him company for a few hours. I really enjoy every minute of it and I want to be there because I hope it shows him how much I love him. While we were there, a social worker came by to ask him how he was doing. My dad is a very gifted speaker and he is very articulate. He is always able to express himself in a way that makes you want to listen. He described how hard it is mentally to think about having a terminal disease. Your body is feeling so ill, but inside you want to fight. He said it is so different from something like the flu where you feel lousy, but you know it will end soon. This is different because there may not be an end to the physical sickness, and it starts to make you depressed. You are completely out of control in every area of your life. He did a way better job of explaining himself and I always enjoy listening to him. Then the social worker asked Katja and I how we were doing and we both smiled and said fine. I wasn't really feeling like talking to her much, but I love how my dad is so open about what he feels. He then told her about Dave and how the two of them were diagnosed 2 weeks apart, and she looked at me and said that is really hard, you are going through a lot, are you sure you are handling everything ok? I said yes, but tears came to my eyes and I couldn't stop myself from getting emotional. I started thinking on the drive home, what do I really think, and how am I handling it? I realized that the only way I am "handling" this is because I have a personal relationship with God, and He has given me faith to believe in Him and His Word. The Bible says that God is good and He only does good. He never promised us a totally happy life that is 100% free from suffering, but instead He is making us more like Himself through these trials. (James 1:2) This world is filled with lots of trials, but this life is only a speck on a timeline in comparison to the time we will spend with God in eternity if we are His children. Paul said, "For the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." It breaks my heart to see all the sadness and suffering that I see at the hospital everytime I go, but I know that this world is not the end. I am sure I am a child of God and I know that I will be with him in heaven for eternity. I don't know if my dad will be healed, and I don't know if David will be healed, I want both. I just don't know what God's plans are. I do trust His character, and I do trust what he says will happen in the future. Romans 8:24 says, "For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is not seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perservance we eagerly wait for it. So, I am trying not to be anxious about tomorrow, and I am trusting that God is working all things for the good of those who love Him. He is all present, all powerful, and all knowing. I am glad He is in control and I know the end will be good, even if I don't completely understand the path there.
I am happily married to my beloved and my friend, David, and I am a mom to my precious children, Avrielle and Chandler. I started this blog in January,2008 as a way to keep our friends and family updated when my husband was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Little did I know that my dad, a non smoker, would be diagnosed with lung cancer also only two weeks later. My dad passed away on March 22, 2008, only 2 1/2 months after his diagnosis. These last few months have been a trial, but God has been good and faithful, and kept us in His hands.
We added a guest book at the bottom of the blog page. Please sign it and add a picture if you would like. It is really easy, I promise! We would love to see who is out there reading. Love, The Smith Family
Chandler: "Mom, could I just marry my sister? That way I don't have to kiss anybody new."
Avrielle: As we are trying to find my car in the crowded parking lot, "There it is mom, I memorized your licence placemat."
Mom to Avrielle: "It's time to brush your teeth." Avrielle: "May I appeal, I need to defrost more from waking up."
Mom to Chandler: "If you're not thankful for your dinner, maybe I should take it away, and all you will have to eat is some bread." Chandler: "Sounds great!" Mom: " Ok, since that didn't work, How about if we take away all your toys too, so you will see how much you have to be thankful for..." Chandler: "I'll just play with my bread!"
Chandler as he is trying to throw a dirty kleenex into the trashcan. "He shoots, (it lands on top of Avrielle's head) He SCORES!!!
Wow Avrielle, that was a quick shower. Did you wash your hair? "I only put conditioner on it, because I washed it last night and I just needed to remind it that it had been washed already so it will obey me this morning."
Chandler: "Dad, could you please make sure you take the right sandwich to work tomorrow? I don't wan't you to leave the healthy one for me by mistake."
Chandler: Can you not put gel in my hair this morning? If I get it cut later, it will hurt because it will be like they are cutting through a wall of steel!
Chandler at Trader Joes: Why does nanny have to take so long reading every label in the freezer aisle? Can't it be the "try out" aisle instead???
Chandler telling a story at dinner: "Not yesterday, but the yesterday before..."
Mom to Chandler: Your closet is a mess. Yeah, I know, it's always an adventure because I get to find new undiscovered sightings. Mom: What kind of undiscovered sightings? Well, you know, like, I'll put something in there when I'm seven and then discover it again when I'm fourteen.
Mom to Chandler: What is the most important thing you learned from Papa? He taught me never to hit people with the golf ball when I'm chipping.
Mom to Avrielle: What is your favorite memory with Papa? He took me to the American Girl Store, and walked all around with me explaining the history of all the dolls until I found the one I wanted.
Chandler, What does it mean to store up treasures in heaven? Well, it's like God has cubbies for each person, and when you do something that pleases Him, He puts a trophy in your cubby."
Chandler after hearing the bedtime story of Corderoy. "Mom, some stories are so good, I feel like I want to cry inside when I hear them."
How do you like the pistachio Chandler? It's sort of medium low on the scale of goodness.
Chandler while looking at a pre -cancer picture of David, "Wow Dad, I don't remember that you used to have an afro!"
Chandler, you need to wipe the chocolate off your face! Do I have to mom? If I leave it on, I can taste it again later!
Avrielle while watching Taming of the Shrew in the park: "I love the play mom, but which one is William Shakespeare?"
Chandler: Mom, can you please buy some more string cheese? It really puts you to work! Mom: I thought you don't like doing hard work. I love hard work when it comes to my food!
Chandler to mom: "Do I have to open my Christmas presents? I want to warm up to the day first."
Avrielle watching Taming of the Shrew in Hart Park. "Mom, I like the play, but which one is William Shakespeare?"
"Avrielle, You have been really quiet since the debate has been on, do you have any questions about what is going on or what they are talking about?" She look over to us very seriously, and said,"Mom, I think I understand what they are saying, but I only have one question. How can they stand there and talk so long without having to pee?"